I wish I had continued to keep journals after high school. Now that I look back at my life there are events I cannot remember. My memories of certain events in my life are sketchy at best. The other day, one of my college friends was talking about an incident I was part of. I really didn’t remember it. I sat there trying to reach back into my memories, but it wasn’t there. I couldn’t remember to save my life. The same thing had happened with a high school friend a few weeks earlier.

In high school I had an English teacher that encouraged the class to keep a journal. Actually, it was a part of the class to write something in the journal every day. I kind of kept it up when I went to college. Once I started life after graduation I didn’t really document anything. I only wrote little notes in small daily planners.

I destroyed those planners during a purge session years ago. I think my mindset was that I really didn’t want to remember some of those things. My first job, the boy I spent the day crying over, meeting my soon-to-be husband would only be remembered in my head. I have picture memories of my wedding, our first house, my two successful pregnancies. No written documentation. I don’t really know how I was feeling during those occasions. I only have my foggy memory to rely on for some of my early memories.

I was going through items in an old trunk a few years ago and found those high school journals and notes of events I had written down. I decided then that I would start journaling again. I have, unfortunately, lost a good amount of memories in my life. Thankfully, it’s not everything. There are events I actually remember moment by moment.

I believe my vision, my purpose, is to write. As someone who aspired to be a writer early in my life, I’m so sorry I destroyed those written memories. That high school English teacher was right. Write something, anything, every day.

How’s your memory? Have you ever kept a journal?

I have chosen persevere as my word of the year. I am determined to finish what I started and keep moving in my purpose. My problem is self-doubt. It is my plan to not allow self-doubt hold me back anymore. Self-doubt has gotten a hold on me many, many times. I am actively trying to dispel her from my life. Yes, I called it “her”. She became so intrusive and annoying at one point that I named her Sheila. I don’t know anyone by that name and I tend to talk to myself so I couldn’t use my own name when I tell “her” to go away and leave me alone. My apologies to all Sheilas.

I have found that, at 64 years old I have finally come into my own. For most of my life I have doubted myself and my abilities. It didn’t help to be bullied when I was younger, but that’s a story for another day. In the last ten years or so, I have realized that I can do and make things that make me and others happy. I have quotes all over the walls of my office/craft room to remind me that you’ve got this Adrienne.

Writing, drawing and making things are very calming to me. I recently opened an Etsy shop to sell some of the things I make. Friends saw the things I made and encouraged me to monetize them. I would always become anxious when someone wanted to buy something. I would feel my items were not worthy of being bought. I really couldn’t believe my friends wanted to buy my items much less a complete stranger would pay for something I made.

Making things aside, I have always felt positive about my writing. I make an effort to embrace it whenever and however I can. I am a listener rather than a speaker. Writing allows me to put the thoughts in my head out into the open. Sheila still tries to hinder my progress, but I am learning to push her to the side. This blog is evidence of that. I am so determined that self-doubt will no longer rule me. I let it go once, but now I’m back.

For me, beating self-doubt is about having confidence in yourself; not to the point of conceit, but knowing your worth. It’s about knowing that no one is perfect and stepping out on faith. Nine times out of ten, what you’re doing has been done before. You’re just putting your own spin on it; nothing wrong with that.

The quote below is one of many I look at every day. This is part of my work on my self-esteem. Yes, I waited till I was 64 years old, but I do believe you’re never too old to reach your dreams. As long as I can hold a pen I’m doing this. Bye, Sheila.

Have you let self-doubt stop your dreams? Have you overcome it and how?